I was struggling with fears that my family would not accept and approve of him for two whole years, even spotting a short period where I was suffering from skin allergies. I had to work with my fears and to truly believe I deserve this love, this beautiful bond. I have to listen to the whispers of my heart and asks the question that matters the most "what do you really want?" I wake up every day now feeling so blessed to have this love, and my family love him.
As I am prone to worry pangs and nonsensical anxiousness, Sushi is always the rock that grounds me.
When I am too much in my head, he brings me back to my heart.
When I am delusional with sadness, anger, craziness, or any winds of emotions that rendered me powerless and vulnerable, he shows up and accepts me unconditionally.
At the end of every of our phone conversation he usually does not forget to says "Remember, I love you."
Sometimes tears welled up in my eyes when I thought about how someone could love me so unconditionally.
During these 2 years thoughts of giving up occasionally enter my mind, a mind that could not at times imagine a miracle, a higher possibility. Yet in the inner corners of my heart a voice keeps still. I was happy. I am still very happy. My head could lie to me and conjure stories so I would be consumed with fear. But the sums of all the time of our partnership says otherwise. This is a man whose companionship I truly treasure and enjoy. I must be a total fool to give us up! So I persevered, I waited.
I thought all this time I was waiting for the right moment to "come out". I was instead actually waiting to be reconnected to my true self, the self that believes love could transcend all borders. I was waiting for the parts of me that was too small to die away- those parts that was afraid of the unknown, that was afraid of being 'bigger', that was afraid of dreams and possibilities. I was waiting to be healed. I needed to remember that inside me there is already a place of wholeness and fullness, inside me I was already healed.
This relationship is no ordinary relationship. It breaks my ego apart, throw my fears to the dogs and laugh at my cowardice in my face. It challenges me to think big. It asks me the big question: are you willing to be big to love big?
I have always prayed for a soulmate relationship. I wanted the lovely parts, the romantic parts, the parts where two lovers savour each other's presence and walk along the sandy beach and kiss and hold hands. But a soulmate relationship is more than that. Yes, it gives you beauty and reawakens your zest for life. But it shakes you out of your comfort zone and throw you offguard into turbulent waves, it challenges all your preconceived notions about love, it shatters your false beliefs and rendered you helpless so you will have to pick yourself up and question every single thought that enters into your mind.
Do you want a soulmate relationship? It is intense, crazy, turbulent, chaotic and definitely not for the weak-hearted. But it is also so beautiful, so fulfilling and rewarding. If you want all of these things and more you're welcome to embrace the possibility of having your own soulmate relationship, but be warned, rocky roads lie ahead. But at the end of the day, being in the same space and breathing the same air in the same space and amidst the preciousness of togetherness, all is worth it, all is well.
There are so much I am thankful for right now. Life is beautiful, the journey has not always been a bed of roses, but learning to pick out the thorns and appreciating the flowers has kept me sane and humble.
From Yours Truly.