Loving What Is

(New artwork for my 1st exhibition: 1 of the 4 in the owl woman series)

I had a breakthrough in realizations last week. I was shown repeatedly by events that I am such a control freak, and am so so bad at letting go. I spent the the last few days decluttering and was shocked that I kept so many academic papers, from university days because I thought I'm going to use them in the near future! I gave away tapes, TAPES!!! Whoever play tapes in the 21st century? I'm such a hopeless hoarder! Sometimes I have a feeling if I declutter more I will start losing weight too! We will see. (big smile) I gave away books, deleted files from my computer, and felt this space of expansion filling me so that I'm empty to be filled with new, creative things! I felt I could breathe deeper and have more clarity now that I have "feng-shui" my space to be more spacious and clutter-free!

I had been having this great urge to be in nature for a while so I did that few days ago, took my journal and went to a garden nearby during the afternoon. Pour out my heart and soul onto the empty brown pages, surrounded by trees, falling leaves, a huge pond and deep, sacred silence and quality quietness. I should have done this earlier, being near nature to rejuvenate the tiresome feeling of being overwhelmed by the city, noise, chaos, traffic and people's endless chatter. I had been postponing this what I called "soul-date" with myself, enjoyed the day really well until it started to rain! I thought how silly that I was actually happy to be stranded in the rain, enjoying the unpredictability of the weather's arrangement.

I am learning the great lesson of "Loving What is". Although I am very forgiving and easy with my past but when it comes to the future I want to know and plan my way ahead to EVERY single detail. And it's impossible but my mind clings on to an idea, an outcome, the urge to know the solution. It's horrible, this wanting to KNOW, because it leaves me no peace.

To know which artwork will sell, how many will sell, who will buy. It permeates through other crevices in my life. Relationships. career. Family. This wanting to KNOW. And then after all the noise and drama in my head I just felt like a deflated balloon, nothing left inside me but more confusion. I am still learning the difficult lesson of Living in the moment, Loving what is shown in front of me Right Here, Right Now, and NOT whining about it, wishing for a different reality, fantasizing about being someone else, living other life but this.

I just need to open my palms, not hold on too tight to imaginary things. To trust in the ultimate intelligence of a knowing Universe. Sometimes I am so in need to control I forgot there's a god, and thought I could be one. It's crazy to want everything my way when I really don't know what's best for me.

So, I'm learning to be okay with not knowing. To say "I don't know" when I have no solutions to a problem, to admit my limitations to events beyond my control. It's hard work.

I am working on a series of "Owl/Wild Women" and so far have done two. I didn't take a direct picture of the artwork because they were supposed to not be out in public b4 the exhibition (end of March)! But I couldn't resist, was really hoping to share what I've been up to after the long absence of showing my creative labour on my blog.