Love story

After almost two years of soulful romancing with Sooshians (nickname) we have decided to "come out" to our families. It was a huge step that needed plenty of courage and guts as we both came from two different backgrounds (religion, nationality, race). Sushi, as I fondly call him, is of Iranian descent, and hail from the northern part of Iran, Babolsar. Both of us met each other when we were students completing out Masters in English Literature in a local university. I've always thought that our relationship was a mystical blessing from Rumi as it was conversations about his beautiful poetry that bought us close together. The story goes that it was after class, I was reading a book on Rumi in the bus stop waiting for my transport and he was there, and then as they say, all was history (or maybe our story)

I was struggling with fears that my family would not accept and approve of him for two whole years, even spotting a short period where I was suffering from skin allergies. I had to work with my fears and to truly believe I deserve this love, this beautiful bond. I have to listen to the whispers of my heart and asks the question that matters the most "what do you really want?" I wake up every day now feeling so blessed to have this love, and my family love him.

As I am prone to worry pangs and nonsensical anxiousness, Sushi is always the rock that grounds me.

When I am too much in my head, he brings me back to my heart.

When I am delusional with sadness, anger, craziness, or any winds of emotions that rendered me powerless and vulnerable, he shows up and accepts me unconditionally.

At the end of every of our phone conversation he usually does not forget to says "Remember, I love you."

Sometimes tears welled up in my eyes when I thought about how someone could love me so unconditionally.

During these 2 years thoughts of giving up occasionally enter my mind, a mind that could not at times imagine a miracle, a higher possibility. Yet in the inner corners of my heart a voice keeps still. I was happy. I am still very happy. My head could lie to me and conjure stories so I would be consumed with fear. But the sums of all the time of our partnership says otherwise. This is a man whose companionship I truly treasure and enjoy. I must be a total fool to give us up! So I persevered, I waited.

I thought all this time I was waiting for the right moment to "come out". I was instead actually waiting to be reconnected to my true self, the self that believes love could transcend all borders. I was waiting for the parts of me that was too small to die away- those parts that was afraid of the unknown, that was afraid of being 'bigger', that was afraid of dreams and possibilities. I was waiting to be healed. I needed to remember that inside me there is already a place of wholeness and fullness, inside me I was already healed.

This relationship is no ordinary relationship. It breaks my ego apart, throw my fears to the dogs and laugh at my cowardice in my face. It challenges me to think big. It asks me the big question: are you willing to be big to love big?

I have always prayed for a soulmate relationship. I wanted the lovely parts, the romantic parts, the parts where two lovers savour each other's presence and walk along the sandy beach and kiss and hold hands. But a soulmate relationship is more than that. Yes, it gives you beauty and reawakens your zest for life. But it shakes you out of your comfort zone and throw you offguard into turbulent waves, it challenges all your preconceived notions about love, it shatters your false beliefs and rendered you helpless so you will have to pick yourself up and question every single thought that enters into your mind.

Do you want a soulmate relationship? It is intense, crazy, turbulent, chaotic and definitely not for the weak-hearted. But it is also so beautiful, so fulfilling and rewarding. If you want all of these things and more you're welcome to embrace the possibility of having your own soulmate relationship, but be warned, rocky roads lie ahead. But at the end of the day, being in the same space and breathing the same air in the same space and amidst the preciousness of togetherness, all is worth it, all is well.

There are so much I am thankful for right now. Life is beautiful, the journey has not always been a bed of roses, but learning to pick out the thorns and appreciating the flowers has kept me sane and humble.

Love,
From Yours Truly.

King of the Sea and other creative pursuits

I went to a book reading yesterday by Malaysian writer Dina Zaman (she's called 'literary hottie' on the internet, how fabulous is that?) in UM to listen to her talk about her latest book "King of the Sea" which is a book compiled of short stories.

I expected to be starstrucked and get in line to buy her book and get her autograph while blushing and gushing like a teenage girl (long past that phase) after the discussion. (Think Justin Bieber and his girl-fans). But the friendly writer didn't give me a chance to get me starry-eyed because she caught me looking for the location of the book talk and I ended up getting us there. Yay to my inner GPS!

This lady made the coldest person fall in love with her easily, she's amiable, she's funny, she's real. I think modern society taught us to admire and fear people who have carve out a name for themselves in a creative career. We think of us as us, and them as them, artists and writers as geniuses, and we put a divide between them and us. So we expect these talented souls to be proud and a little cuckoo. Because I think secretly we're a little jealous of their success and want to sooth our egos that we're not pursuing our real passion because we're not crazy and because we're sane and we follow rules. But I am incredibly humbled as Dina has no celebrity-aura going on with her; she's like a friend who reads you stories (from her own book) around a bonfire while you bbq marshmallows. (except we had curry puffs and hot tea and air-con).

And if you have seen this lady upfront, you must read her works. For it's as good as the woman herself. I love King of the Sea, because it's a book rich with mythology and folklores, and I am a sucker for these because the magic realism always has the charm and power to draw me deep into its mystery, with its seduction of the supernatural, ambiguous setting and endings. And as much as I love mythology and legends of the ancient Egyptian and ancient Greece civilizations, I know that Malaysia has an abundant of folklores that have been passed down orally and it's not lacking in richness in comparison. It's a shame that not many scholars or writers have taken the path of writing about them, hence they got lost, or they become secondary to the things that supposedly "matters", like fighting for surival, paying the bills, putting food on the table, or going to the mall.

In sharing her works, Dina urges us to write. She says we each have stories within us, stories we've heard and collected by listening to others, by sharing our ideas. And if we don't write, the stories die with us, in us. Neil Gaiman says "I learned to write by writing. I tended to do anything as long as it felt like an adventure, and to stop when it felt like work, which meant that life did not feel like work." Maybe we really needn't worry about where writing might take us, or whether we could see these books, instead we keep on writing and see where it leads us.

For the whole of Neil Gaiman's speech click here.

I think about why I hunger for myths, for stories that seemed to have no connection to "ordinary daily living", the stories of gods and goddesses of prepatriarchal cultures, lores of the shamans and spirit animals and how they fuel my love for life, and art. Without them I shrink. Life would be barren and empty. Without myths I can no longer paint and make art. It's great that she's written this book, I could see the connection of the local folklores with the ones from a completely different time and culture. I could see that although we desperately differentiate ourselves by gender, race, religion yet underneath our psyche is the collective memory of perhaps, something ancient, primitive and even... similar.

I think about people who label themselves as belonging to a particular religion. But they don't necessarily just practice the religion and full stop. Like the Buddhist priestess I know whom works with crystals, the Malay girl who reads tarot etc. There's always that blurring of beliefs when they cross-over to look for a shaman, a bomoh, witch-doctor, healer, alternative medicines when the orthodox religion gives them no comfort. It's that longing for that sacredness, that connection, the need to believe in something, a ritual, magic, the unknown. It's ingrained within culture and there's no real split between religion and magic rituals actually. And The King of the Sea is exploring the breaching out these boundaries that organized religion so fiercely guards.

I thank people like Dina Zaman and Neil Gaiman for doing what they've been doing, and giving us invaluable tips to continue the often zigzag and unpredictable pattern of the creative journey. Creative mentors are rare gems and hard to come by, and I don't necessarily want to follow their way, but rest assured at least I can be inspired by that fighting spirit!

Breaking Dawn

After a long break from blogland, (one imposed on myself) the reason being that I've to finish my Masters dissertation, which speaks about artist and the creative process, by reading and critiquing Margaret Atwood's novels. The title for my dissertation is a funky one, "the female artist as postmodern shaman: revisioning myth and subverting identity". However much I love painting, this thesis has been in the way and I needed to get it done once and for all. It took me a little more than half a year, and here I am, after a long period of hibernating with words, journals and writing, I'm back to my first love - painting.

The feeling is one of immense relief ..... I just felt like sighing for a long time after a stressful period of reading academic journals day and night. I love literature, I love words, ideas, stories, don't get me wrong. But it's alot of head knowledge and I'm starving for heart expression. It's not that word can't do that. But in the academic world, they're not looking so much for heart knowledge. Even if it does, it must be put in an academic way to persuade that it matters. So all this time I'm in my cave with my thesis, I'm longing and longing for the freedom of expressing the unknown with paint- colours, strokes, shapes...

And I've just handed my thesis in, even though it's not yet published, but it's in the final stage... (so now I can finally rest my overfried brain, and fatigued body and mind) hehe, pardon the drama queen within me!

I'm exploring a new style of expression! There's a lot of play with multilayering and playing with the dancing movement of colours and being organic and in the flow! I'm loving it so far. Painting is healing for me. I realized if I paint, I don't need to sooth myself or indulge in comfort food. I think I'm naturally very sensitive and so making art is a great way to channel all the excessive energy and nonsensical moods!

So this new work, "Breaking Dawn" is an artwork about breaking out from the shadows of the self and being seen out in the world, and allowing myself to not know all the answers, to be ok with doubt and insecurities, to be ok with multiple choices present to me at the same time, to be just ok. With the messiness that is call LIFE.

There was FEAR (as expected by the perfectionist side of me), so much of it, before painting, during painting... of where the new style might lead me. This artwork is made up of several layers, each one foreshadowing the next one, each one supporting the next layer, each one allowing the next one to emerge and appear while also humbly allowing some elements of itself to be sacrificed...  Isn't this so much like life, the past allowing the next phase to emerge as it fades into the background, the old gives way to the new, without death there is no renewal of life.

I was just amazed by how art and life is intertwined, the lessons I am learning from art shows me my life, and my life also shows up in my art. These two are intimately interwoven.

I'm really excited about this new phase of my life that is showing up after I graduate from my Masters in English Literature. Excited and scared. To be precise.

I'm signing up for MA in art therapy in Singapore, and I'm praying, hoping, dancing under the rain in trance (this one obviously exaggerated) so that I may get in. I've a good feeling about this. Art is healing, there's no question about it. The question is, how do I support a living doing art and teaching the public how much benefit one may reap from creative expression? In a world increasingly complex and perhaps hungry for that soulfulness because it is so severely lacking, will art be one of the answer to come back within? Yes, I would love to work with the marginalized community, autistic children, senior citizens, but unless ordinary people like you and me have risen up to regain the soul from art-making, art as therapy will remained exclusively reserved for 'pathology', but its potential is far more than that, it is an access to greater spiritual heights and depth, a tool to raise awareness and for self-discovery. It is, from the most ancient of times, a tool to access the gods, and these gods are just the highest potential of us waiting to be accessed and explored.

I really envisioned a world where people consume less and create more. So we've more happy and authentic people and lesser shopaholics!

Art, Art, I Love You

Our family won a trip to Paris, and this is the very first time that we've won a price so huge that it took us by surprise! I always thought good luck happens to other people, so now I'm blessed into changing my mind. Even though I've been to Paris a couple of times, this is the first time that we went in the summer and I L-O-V-E the sun. Malaysia is summer all year long, but for a traveller, it's always best to enjoy a place without having to endure the harsh and chilly winter.

On our way to Paris, we stopped by Vienna and Budapest. I made sure my eyes are wide open to capture all the art that surrounds and breathes in corners of the city. Below: a mermaid-angel-Goddess hybrid by the riverside in Vienna.

Was lucky enough to see a graffiti artist in the midst of working his passion. He was doing a little dance to get into the feel of his work.

Street artist. So talented. I was so amazed by the ease which he exudes as he makes his artwork in the eyes of the public eye. I love the theme of his works: the majestic earth in the foreground and planets and stars revolving around. It feels out of this world. I fantasize about me painting in public. While this young man took an average of 15-20 minutes to complete one I might need a few days. I'm inspired to work more with spray paint now. I'm so surprised by the things you can do with spray paint and paper.

In Paris. Of course it's a must to snap a picture with the Eiffel Tower! Love the glamorous sunglasses!

One of my fav painter: Claude Monet. The genius who founded and led the French impressionistic art movement. I was enchanted by his paintings of the lotus pond and was amazed how his deceptively messy brushstrokes actually conveys a sense of water moving. I felt I was being taken for a pseudo boat ride as I walked along the masterpiece. I could feel the love and passion he has for his garden (in Giverny) and art, which he spent much of his time tending and painting. We were required to be very very quiet inside the art museum, and were hushed if there was slightly noisy. A very stern environment of art appreciation.

My dad who's a darling accompanied me to Musee d'Orsay even though he's not particularly interested in art and sculpture. I had to held my breath as I stood in front Van Gogh's paintings of his room in Arles and his self-portrait. He was really much too perceptive for his times. And there's fierce honesty and vulnerability in his works which I appreciate.

Pierre-August Renoir, Bal du moulin de la Galette, 1876 oil on canvas, image from and link to Musée d'Orsay. One of my favourite works from the artist. The sunlight playfully dancing and merging with the men and women in indulgent moments like this. There's a surreal lightness to the artworks, the lines are undefined, the impermanence of the moment captured. Fleeting pleasure and beauty.

Malaysia in comparison, has a very short history in art. I do hope my country is opening itself up to the awareness that art is not only for aesthetic purposes, it's a direct expression of the people's spiritual growth and identity and it demonstrates the maturity of its people in terms of self-reflection and contemplation about life and the big questions surrounding it. I look forward to the day where everywhere I go there'll be displays of artworks that invite me to contemplate and appreciate its beauty, meaning and message.

After inhaling all the painting, maybe it's time for me to exhale some of mine?

I'll be wordless and quiet in the meantime. I think it's essential for most artists to go within to look for inspiration after visually feasting on other painters' works of art. See u soon! =)

Art and Angels

Last Sunday I attended a soft pastel class conducted by a bubbly Japanese lady who's married to Malaysia, it was my last minute decision to sign up because I was worried I couldn't finish my Masters assignments. But my heart says "go, go, go!" and I have to listen to the insistent voice. Turns out that not only it was insanely fun and inspiring, I also had a creative de-stress session while I plunge my head, heart and soul into painting with soft pastel. I've never attempted that medium so was delightful to find that it's effects are dreamy and surreal.


The teacher, Yoshie (bottom right), sharing about soft pastel art while us students listen on intently. I was running around like a restless child taking pictures!

Her works, colourful manadalas. If you're familiar with Carl Jung, a psychotherapist, he says mandalas are the doorway to understanding about your SELF. I think my teacher's SELF is beaming with gorgeous-ness the way the picture is drawn here.

Adults "heart" at work, it's cute to see grown-ups (especially men) concentrating on creative expression. There's something inherently healing about making art in the presence of others, and sharing what the art and creative process means to you in a group.

I picked a card that says "beloved One" and this is my attempt to portray the kind of soul-mate relationship I envision to have and experience. Very lovey-dovey and loaded with sweetness I know. *Blush. Also, I wish for the spaciousness and growth in it too.

Me "heart" at work, drawing my own pairs of wings to get me fly high and soar! Everything you see on paper is drawn by our dainty fingers. It's a very gentle and patient approach to art I felt. If you're the impatient sort of person this really helps train you to be present in the moment and not rush the process. Anyway the process is as much rewarding as the end product. Or more.

Another student's art, she's way way too brilliant and artistic. I love the beauty that each piece of her art conveys. Speechless is a term I would use to explain my response as I savour her work.

Some of our works, proudly displayed on the wall.

I'd so much fun I couldn't stop savouring everything about the day. Art has this magical touch of uplifting your spirit and moods, and help you gain an alternative perspective if you're feeling stucked and dry. It's a reminder of the beauty you're capable of expressing, and the joy of being a creator. My next mission-get meself a box of soft pastel and start making a dreamy, happy mess!

Creative Souls Blossoming

I spent the whole day today coaching a spirited social worker that works with high-risk street kids, drug users to learn alternative art therapy so she could incorporate in her work. I felt an urge to conduct the class in nature, surrounded by trees and fresh air, away from the confinements of four walls. So we ended up in the park, our paintbrush, colours, paper all make a happy mess on the table under the shaddy tree. And I'd so much fun coaching especially when new ideas flow into my moment of inspiration when I least expected it!

Kat is lovely, she's a really curioys and enthusiastic student, and I know that fun for her is so crucial (a priority actually!) so I tried to coax her to paint using mediums other than paintbrush and crayons. She love finger painting- this is her in the process of painting her life purpose with her fingers! her favourite activity of all!

Love the bamboo tree behind her. The painter is fully engaged in her creative process!


(Below) A message from her wise self, a creative poet making poetry! Using old fashioned ink dipped pen and writing in cursive letters really channels an old-soul kind of wisdom! hehe

(Below) Kat's divine soul portrait.


Awareness exercise. I asked her to take pictures of things in the park that represents who she is. This aims to expand one's awareness. And Kat was absolutely ecstatic to be wandering around the park with my pink camera taking snapshots of pieces of beauty that we might not noticed if we didn't pay attention.

She's very observant. She shares her insight that the dead and dying leaves are nourishing the new baby plants. Life/Death/Life is always a very present cycle.

Someone's junk. But perhaps it was there to remind a passerby to pray for Japan. And to keep praying. I felt a solemn need to say a prayer when I see this.

(Below) Appreciating little beauties. With the touch of her hands perhaps the flowers could blossom even more vividly.

Eggs. Hidden from human eyes new life awaiting...

Even as the teacher my student teach and reminds me to walk free, as she paint with orange glee the message that her body needs. She's really free-spirited, and with a heart of gold, it shows in her love for her work with the marginalized community, even if the work is tiring, but she's still so passionate about serving a purpose. Her love for life and people, and her simple philosophy and wisdom that precedes her age humbles me.

It's wonderful after a day like this, I'd come home with a tired body, but my heart and spirit uplifted and inspired because I deeply love the nature of my work and the fulfillment it brings. Both of us, nature-lovers, creative spirits, big dreamers, had so much fun teaching and learning about the healing prowess of art. Who's the teacher? Who's the student? The line considerably blurred. I hope to keep doing this soul work, making this soul art. More people need to know the benefits of art, and learn the magic it promises.

Sacred Marriage

The real thing and the shadows, both complemented each other in a beautiful union.

I've been contemplating about dualities, and how most of our sufferings are stemmed by it, revolves around it, and can be healed by resolving it.

We give meanings to things, and when we perceive something as positive and another as negative, we reject the negative and want it disappear, gone, vanish. And when we perceive something as positive, we tend to want it, desire it, demand it.

We suffer when we don't get the +ve, we suffer when we get the -ve.

But most of all, we suffer because our reality is divided into this either-or dichotomy.

For example,

In my mind,

I appreciate my depth of being, and think shallowness is such a shame. So I judge someone else as shallow when he or she is not as deep as I wish them to be. It's my bimbotic self that I've rejected. But in all honesty, being constantly in the deep is like diving underwater, I'm no mermaid, so I felt suffocated if I remain there too long. It feels good once in a while to come up to breath air, and clear my head space, and it's ok to be silly and poke fun at myself and things. I have accepted that while I'm philosophical and I always dig deep for meanings, there's a part of me that's sheer nonsensical.

Also,

In the past, before I've come to self-empowerment, there are so many times when I've looked for others so that I could transfer my powers to them. Mr. Perfect used to be so intelligent and so brilliant in his studies and mouth-crackingly funny. No faults, just pure awesomeness. In comparison, my own light is dimmed. I'm not enough. Not brilliant enough, not funny enough, not beautiful enough. It's as if you're wearing a power-transfer lense in replacement of the wisdom of your soul-eyes. Either he is perfect or you are imperfect.

But when I've learn that true empowerment comes from within, the lenses broke into pieces.

Mr Perfect is just half divine, half human. Half human now because you see that while he's funny, he might be using humor or words to cover other insecurities. While he's brilliant, he can also bask too much in the glory of his mind to be down to earth. Half divine because you acknowledge that this person has so much potential and so much beauty, even in his flaws and imperfections, scars and wounds. You see that if he gets down to business to heal his shadows, his gifts emerge and he'll be awaken to be a powerful and compassionate human being.

Can a man only be strong or vulnerable? Can a man be both? Will you appreciate or trust someone who only has one side of that, either fully strong or fully vulnerable?

I'll appreciate someone who is both strong and vulnerable, because that's balanced..

I'm saddened when I heard men tell me that it's a men's world, and you've to fight to stay in the battlefield. You've to put up a tough front, survival skills, be macho. And you know these men are bitter and angry because they aren't allowed to experience their vulnerability.

Can you understand why this world is so tired, so stressed, so unhappy? Because we're coerced and manipulated to think we can only choose to be one side of the coin.

So all you can do is to love him. love the differences. Love you, Love yourself. Because whatever shadows he has you have too. All the people have them. And I have them too.

I'm my shadows and my gifts.

So what heals the dichotomies, the binaries, the dualities?

In healing that split in the mind, to love both and to appreciate both and see them as one, one cannot exist without the other. The union and acceptance of the opposites is what heals.

I'm craziness and sanity.

I'm devilish and angelic.

I'm childish and mature.

I'm foolish and wise.

I'm selfish and selfless.

I'm dirty-minded and pure.

I'm narrow and open.

I'm my body and my mind.

I'm soulless and soulful.

I'm full and empty. The lists goes on... and on.

I'm all the above and none of the above.

The union and marriage of the opposites lift the burden of separation in my heart. When I married all my inner opposites, I no longer battle them and peace persists. Perhaps if the world heal the illusions of separation, there'll no longer be battle of the sexes, or religious wars, or warring of any kind.

No more me vs you.

Just a reconnection.

Of Me=you. One= All. All= One.

Do little things with great love

"God does not command that we do great things, only little things with great love."
-Mother Theresa


(A love-shaped leaf from a hanging plant outside the patio yesterday evening)

This quote by Mother Theresa strikes me. I am a giant thinker. Big dreamer. But sometimes I fall back a few steps when it comes to Doing. Perhaps the dream seems so BIG that I was afraid and lost to how I'm suppose 2 go about it to make it come true. Perhaps I was so preoccupied with the end result that I lost the enjoyment of the PROCESS. Or that I've this habit of living in the future, dreaming of great things I could achieve. While it's wonderful to be optimistic, I've to remind myself to come back once in a while to earth. The present is the gift isn't it?

I look at life from such a BIG picture that at times I miss the beauty of small things. And I'm beginning to take notice.

Nature grounds me. Little things are precious too. I realized now more and more.

Do little things with love, for me now it includes eating to fill my body with love, blogging with love, doing house errands with love, even if just breathing, also done with love, the tiniest thing we most often overlooked. It's not that easy because I get lost in my mind so quickly.

Life has been a little quiet a while ago. While my monkey mind complains and demands for some action and drama, my inner circus trainer tries to tempt it to obedience by training it to observe little signs of beauty and wisdom everywhere. Being a work-from-home creative girl does have its down side, it can get pretty quiet at times. Unlike the office ambience where there's colleagues around to chit chat and hang around to reduce boredom, the work-alone creative girl is basically her own muse, friend, boss, disciplinarian, servant, counselor and agony aunt. It can get a little daunting to some extent, to play so many roles especially when it pertains to one's livelihood.

While mastery of a craft usually means that one has to spend alot of time alone, it's really important to balance this part of life with recharging with friends and families. I used to be jealously guarded about my me-time, but now I appreciate getting to know people especially when it concerns their interest in living their creative dreams. It's a good shift, this focus centering in self to people.

Painting allows me the space and time to be alone, engaged in my creative process.

Teaching art therapy allows me the space and time to connect with others, on a very soulful level and creative sharing expands my horizons. Both works fulfill me in very different ways. But both makes me happy.

If I were to stick to only one I'll go crazy in its one-sidedness. I'm grateful that I've the balance of both. Am having lots of work piling up and loving the momentum. I love having the freedom to decide when, where and who I work with. I'm keeping a grateful heart and feeling the fullness of abundance bestowed to me in my heart.

Do you know the trick to manifesting what you desire most?

One of it is, when you wish for something whole-heartedly, you take the necessary action to fulfill it, but you need to let go of the outcome, so that your contribution is half, and the rest of the half the Universe will provide. Sometimes in ways un-imaginable. Most times just plain miracle. Heard of the saying when you take a step towards your dreams, your dream take a hundred steps towards you?

It's true.

Natural Beauty

"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,

Love like you'll never be hurt,

Sing like there's nobody listening,

And live like it's heaven on earth." — William W. Purkey

A commissioned artwork by a mother for her two ballerina daughters. It feels wonderful and such a relief to complete a long overdue artwork. I'm learning the lesson of procrastination and how it's a bad habit, better to make baby steps to finish something than have the nagging feeling that you've things undone.

It's a good challenge to paint Malaysian Indian children; I thought I would have problems with getting the skin tone right but it turns out gorgeous. It's a good challenge because I think the discriminatory thought that only fair skin are beautiful and desirable that is so inherent within the collective consciousness can be overturned. Dark skin is beautiful too.

I enjoyed making the tree textured and had lots of fun making the colourful background from scrapbook papers. Even though my artwork has grown more "adult" but it's still fun to come back to naive and child-like painting, my trademark girls with Big eyes to get in touch with my own childlikeness.

And let me digress ...

Natural beauties found in my garden.

Anonymous plant. Bright yellow and orange flowers blossoming and what a contrast it makes with its dark olive green leaves.



Pitcher plant. Dangerous beauty. Do you know they seduce insects with a kind of scent, lure them in and trapped them in their belly and then digest them? Sounds totally deadly isn't it?



Droplets of shimmering water after I water this carnivorous thing.

Am learning to see the world with a new pair of eyes; curious and different perspective than before. The world seems to go by in a hurry these days, and it's really an artform to be able to engage in stillness amidst the chaos. I'm feeling the joy of simplicity nowadays, simple lifestyle and simple choices. Perhaps in the simplest things lie the most profound truth.

I'm such a hopeless philosopher sometimes! ok, Back to work ...

Soulful Beauty

The 1st thing on my wishlist I've promised myself is to be present to the beauty which surrounds me. Because I'm a hopeless geek, and I cannot seemed to take a break from my healthy addiction-which are books, I've been reading ferociously, a few books at one time- and Piero Ferrucci's "Beauty and the Soul" has been a faithful companion these days.

Beauty and the Soul, a book like its name, is beautiful and soulful, and it's wonderful because it's written by a man, which debunks the myth that men cannot be sensitive to beauty that are soulful. I love his keen insight about how beauty doesn't have to be limited as an experience in art museums or luxury goods, which modern city people are accustomed to think. His book challenge his readers to see beauty in a whole new way, to open ourselves up to the beauty of each moment and be present to capture that essence.

For me, beauty is so essential to keep us alive and joyous. One of my weakness I realized is that I lived so much up on my head. Thinking thoughts of the past and future, reliving mistakes and nostalgic memories, hoping or worrying for a future that has yet to arrived. I lived so much in the space of my head that in moments where I am awakened, I think-oh no, how much beauty of the present moment have I missed because I grasped at illusions? Not good, not good.

I don't want to sleepwalk in a dream state, I wish to be awake and seize each moment. That, I felt, is being truly alive, is being an active participant with the world.

(So today, when it rained which has always been my favourite weather, I seized my camera and captured the refreshing raindrops showering my garden.)

Beauty is free, beauty can be found easily. If you but noticed.

(Behind my house, the scenery feels foreign when it rains. I'm still practising with my camera. I know I do need more practice, both with being present and with using my camera.)

I remembered there was a rare moment, after gym and I walked home. I passed a row of trees sheltering me from the sunlight. It wasn't a particularly hot day. Just nice. It was a place that I passed by daily, usually in a car. Yet maybe because I walked the experience was different. The way the sunlight was seeping through the space between the leaves caught me in a state of breathlessness, I was left so speechless by the play of light and shadows on my skin, and the beauty of that moment was so piercingly vivid that a space in my heart was forced open to receive, and I could only respond with tears.

Thinking back, I could judge myself as being silly to be so overly sentimental. But I know it's me being present, to allow myself to be vulnerable in the face of beauty. Caught unaware. To be transformed into a state of awareness.

A beautiful new born baby bird ready to take flight to experience the world. My Mom and I took such drastic measures like covering the plant with a plastic bag so the crows will not know the existence of the nest. I felt fiercely protective of birds who laid eggs and make nest in our garden. I think it's a very natural maternal instincts. As a woman, to want to nurture and protect. Even though it's not my child, and it's not even a human. But life, in whatever form it takes, is precious. Thinking back, it was funny how protective we got.

Maybe because a new life is just so beautiful in its fragility, and also on its limitless potential.

Mondo Beyondo Wish List

(Wild Wolf Woman: Untamed, brave, fearless, and possibly very powerful)

Jin and I has been talking about the miracle of magic. And how it's possible to create magic by wishing for something for our own goodness and believing absolutely that we deserve it. Jen Lemen, one of my favourite blogger who blogs here, cofounded Mondo Beyondo which is an online course about dreaming BIG and believing that dreams do come true.

So here is my Mondo Beyondo list, which is really a wish list for dreamers like myself, who more and more believe that writing down a wish and giving it a chance to come out to daylight is similar to casting a spell. I believe this is how miracle happens, at first it's just a thought, and when you do take your dream seriously yet at the same time be able to let it birth itself with the assistance of the benign unseen forces, and be unattached to the outcome- Voila, your dream grabs your hand and takes you for a ride!

So here goes my Mondo Beyondo wish list,

1.) Breathe and live consciously. Be present to life and the beauty which surrounds me.

2.) Fall in love with my self on a daily basis. Appreciate all I have.

3.) Teach art therapy to aspiring teachers so they are empowered and go on to spread the healing prowess of art to the rest of the world.

4.) Be a vegetarian for health reasons and also to reduce the burden of climate change.

5.) Rest and Play: Be silly and have fun and not take myself too seriously.

6.) Travel and teach art and therapy; preferably in Bali, Italy, Spain, Greece

7.) Swim with dolphins

8.) Scuba diving: Get certified and explore the underwater landscape and marine lives all over the world.

9.) Open my own healing/ holistic and conscious living centre and have it furnished like a Bali style resort which offers soul care and support to people who need the sacred space

10.) Open my own art gallery and support visionary/ mythical artists like myself.

11.) Go on a spiritual pilgrimage (I'm thinking India, Bali, Hawaii)

12.) Publish a few books on art/ therapy/ spirituality

13.) Fall in love with the most compatible soul mate and celebrate and explore our journey together.

14.) Leave my hair long and curl it.

15.) Lose weight and have a slender and physically strong and fit body.

16.) Learn to dance salsa, bellydance

17.) Learn a foreign language. I've Spanish/ Italian in mind.

18.) Go travelling across the globe with an art journal and document my journey with a pencil/ paintbrush

19.) Learn and master all the desserts ever existed and perhaps open my own cafe along the way

20.) Learn and master singing and perhaps be able to sing publicly and not feel overwhelmed

21.) Have my own living space which is furnished Bali style

22.) Have my own pet dog.

23.) Create and design my own oracle card deck.

24.) Learn yoga and love it.

25.) Be financially abundant and support a charity drive on a consistent basis.

Wow. I didn't know I've all these baby dreams waiting to be birth in my belly. It's nice to daydream at times and remember who I am and what I desire and what matters to me most. I've been so busy I just feel like I'm drifting aimlessly in the passage of time. What I need now it not so much in "doing" anything but more of accessing my brave heart and watch for the next sign of magic. And see what happens next.

Because Magic Happens. =)

Have you ever experienced the state of fullness where you feel so filled up that you've nothing to say? That's me right now.

The month of May and June are a whirlwind and tornado of events. Dreams coming true. I must apologize to my readers if you've been visiting and wondering why the silence. I've just been so occupied with work that I neglected this sacred space which I regret. So now I'm back, promising myself to be a little more consistent in blogging. And I will visit your blog soonest and be inspired by your life!

I wrote in my diary many years ago that I'll have my 1st art exhibition in 2012. At that time it was still a blurry image of an idea. More wishful thinking than anything else. Yet so many things happen along the way to made the impossible possible. And the gift of dreams achieved was given to me a year earlier. I'll be lying if I tell you that there's no struggles on the way because there are. So many. Blocks mostly self-created. And I'm full of gratitude to being given assistance every time to unblock all these resistance to come back to painting. And proud that I've been so brave, so persistent, and just plain strong headed.

(Me at the art opening of Love's Pilgrimage on 20th May this year. In front of the beautiful crowd which are mostly friends of family, still very shy and raw and a little unsure about talking about the meaning of these very personal artworks for the exhibition.)

(Precious friends from university. Very supportive people who turned up to encourage me and which I appreciate so much)

(Alison and I, both of us joining hands together to make this event a successful one. I learnt so much from her. I don't remember what made us cackle so hard during the speech)

(More lovely people who grace the event with their presence)

My virginal art exhibition, which I jokingly called ended with much success and it's splendid to see friends interacting with one another and enjoying themselves. I learnt about overcoming my shyness of presenting my artworks in front of a crowd. I learnt about the procedure of working with an art gallery, which is managed by a very quirky curator call Vinh and owned by the gorgeous husband and wife team Aiie and Lara. Most of all, I learnt about my own capabilities for creation.

I also told the Universe this year that I'm going to teach art therapy despite being unsure, scared, fearful of making mistakes and being imperfect. I gave up the security of teaching English classes conventionally in centres and pursue this path.

Of creativity. Of pioneering. Of teaching people their highest potential and the path to awakening.

And I'd my 1st art therapy student this year. I've always believe in the healing prowess of art and how it can transform our lives if applied consciously. And even though I was the teacher I end up learning from my student and being inspired to continue this work. Because it is so intensely fulfilling. I truly believe in asking for something which serves both you and the world and the request will be fulfilled.

Magic happens when you come from a place of inner knowing. When you know this is your highest purpose. And you heed the calling. Despite the voice in your mind warning you about the consequences of failure.

And Anais Nin couldn't say it better when she says

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Love's Pilgrimage-An Artful Dream Come True!

I am still feeling like this is really JUST a dream state- this wonderful dream come true of my first art exhibition with Alison is nothing but real! But I pinch my skin and it hurts, so it's indeed happening, and it's happening THIS coming Friday!

I have been so immersed in painting for the past 2 months preparing for this coming event that sometimes I forgot to be amazed by the fact that this is NO small thing for me! I have Jin designed the invitation card for me (above) and it turns out oozing with love vibes, as Alison claims it to be, and it does. THANK Q JIN!

I have to hold the cards with my bare hands and be striked by how real and amazing ALL these is! I have to sit back and breath and remind myself, "Eva, you're having your 1st art exhibition, this is BIG, this is after so many struggles and hardwork and prayers and hope!" And I'm truly proud of myself!And grateful. So so so deeply grateful.

Even at this moment of saying this my heart is overwhelmed with the strong waves of thankfulness that I am on the verge of tearing. I thought back at the journey that lead me to this point of life, I looked back and saw so vividly how each person, each opportunity, have pushed me to come to this stage. I believed in miracles, I do, I deeply believed that if you feel passionate about something and you work all the way towards achieving that, people and events run to serve you so you can have your dreams!

My parents who have been so cute as they become my most personal and trusted art critics, telling me if they think a piece feels undone or just beaming with pride and showering me with compliments whenever an artwork is done. My parents who have the patience with an artist-daughter who mess up the house with paint and who takes forever to clean up. My parents who have to put up with their child who quit the security of being a teacher and who instead chose the path less taken. I love you so deeply for being so supportive.

My precious friends in real life, kindred spirits of blogland who are always there to drop me a kind word about pursuing my passion and being on this journey!And for believing that I'm cut out to paint when I doubt myself! I'm forever and truly grateful.

And then there's the Universe who I know have been keeping an eye on me, guiding me through paths and leading me to walk through doors of opportunities, who sometimes really push all my buttons so I may be braver, surer, shinier and more powerful! It has not been easy but I am so grateful too, and greatly humbled on the way here!

Everything feels so right now. My artworks are ready for display. Alison is ready too. I have been hearing a voice telling me to invite her to join me for a joint exhibition and I'm so glad when she says YES to the invitation. It's such a blessing to find a kindred spirit who believe in similar things, and who paints too. Because both of us are at this phase in our lives where we are remembering to come back to LOVE everytime, we lovingly titled this maiden art launch of ours "Love's Pilgrimage". I paint of women, lovers, nature and animals alot this time to show we are ALL Interconnected. By Love. And almost all of my artworks have the moon in it, perhaps to signify a return to the feminine, the intuitive, the soft and vulnerable. And it is such a beautiful coincidence that the gallery is aptly named "Small Talk with the Moon".

Images of the gallery below. Such a quirky yet cozy little place.

I just feel like I'm embroiled in magic. Every loving thought is manifested into reality. I feel like a sorceress cloaked in modern clothes, and my paintbrush is my magic wand! I'm keeping the joy and feeling greatly enveloped in this love because I know it will bring me to even better places and even greater blessings.

And here's wishing that your dreams come true too, because you truly deserve anything your heart desires!